winning

Good News! There’s No Such Thing as Self-Sabotage

I love a paradigm shift!

Here’s a keeper I’m learning to love because it’s helped me revisit some situations in my life and see them with fresh eyes.  Like I put in the contacts I didn’t know I needed.

Everyone is winning the game they are playing.

This didn’t make a lot of sense the first time I heard it.

Partly because it was followed by this gem:

There’s no such thing as self-sabotage.

Excuse me?  Come again?  I like to think I know a thing or two about self-sabotage.

Sabotage means “the act of destroying or damaging something deliberately so that it doesn’t work correctly.”

The good news is…

When we seemingly sabotage ourselves, it’s not deliberate.  We really can’t help it because there’s a force greater than us that lives in our heads and takes the wheel when it thinks we’re doomed.

Which should come as a huge relief.

Perverse, I know.  But true. 

Relief because we can officially stop hating on ourselves for not following through on our resolutions, plans, goals, dreams.  For bumping up against that wall and letting it stop us.  For not doing more, being more, succeeding more, trying more.

We can officially start being more kind to ourselves because we’re not broken.  In fact, we are working perfectly, as designed.

Our methods just might be a little old school, that’s all.

Have you ever been really close to getting something you want and then done something dumb that derailed the whole forward momentum you’d built up?

Quit, for example, (because something wasn’t perfect)?  Compulsively ate the pint of gelato?  Threw a mortifying tantrum at someone important?  Shopping spree!!  (Just as the credit card balance finally hit zero)?

These are some classic hits from my repertoire.

It’s what we’ve all come the think of as self-sabotage.

We’re winning the game we are playing.

What’s really going on is we are playing, and winning, a game that we’ve been playing for so long that it feels safe even if it hurts us.  It feels like we only have that one option and that there are no other choices.

Take my game of binge shopping and credit card debt.  Nordstrom’s and Lululemon were like heroin to me.  I still feel the pull of their siren song.  Sigh.

The game might be that I’ve linked cute clothes (and upscale labels) with belonging to a certain group of people.  I’m trying to fit in.

Or the game might be that credit card debt was a secret that my mom shared with me, but kept from my dad.  A part of my brain still links credit card debt to mother’s love.

Or the act of shopping itself was a way to numb intense emotions.  I needed to be numb in order to survive another day in a job that made me cry or a relationship that had gone to the South Pole.  So I shopped, and felt better for a moment.

It’s a matter of programming.

The unhelpful games we play with our money or our health or our loved ones are usually habitual and deeply patterned in our brains.  When I’m triggered, I’m preprogrammed to log on to Zappo’s or polish off a bag of ginger snaps.

That’s why simple resolve, or willpower, won’t work on some of the games we’ve been playing for years.

Our brains are convinced that the games we are playing—the binge eating, binge shopping, discomfort with having more than a certain amount of money in the bank—are what we HAVE to do to maintain a sense of love or to stay safe or to be part of our clan.

Willpower alone won’t be able to tear us away from those games.  What we are experiencing is, on some level, exactly what we want to be experiencing.

What we need for healing, growth and success are new games that keep that love, safety and a sense of belonging intact.

It’s not about getting rid of unwanted behaviors by overpowering them.

It’s about creating new choices that feel aligned with our desires and still totally doable.

It’s about designing some new games and learning to play them with joy and enthusiasm.

It’s not a DIY project (says the former queen of attempted DIY personal growth, aka, the queen of the “fakethrough”).  Coaches and mentors are game designers that help speed you to your highest potential.

Growth is complex and messy and full of tangles.   It takes a little time to loosen the threads on the old games that are so easy to play.

But how exciting and gratifying when the work clicks and you start to make different choices without even having to think about it.

Dare I say, it’s game changing?

 

Are you ready to start changing the games you’re playing around your money mindset, so you can make the amazing money you deserve?  I’m here to help!!  Schedule a complimentary Money Mindset Breakthrough Session today.  It’s a No Fakethrough Zone.

 

 

 

 

 

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